


I'll use your light to guide the way

by furiousflamewolf



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Recovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2019-12-30 16:14:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18318806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/furiousflamewolf/pseuds/furiousflamewolf
Summary: Carrying the name Zidane is a heavy burden.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Song: Three Doors Down, Landing in London
> 
> Luca didn't deserve to have conceeded those two goals. I felt so bad for him. 😭😭😭😭

Everyone applauded their fans in the stadium after the match. Sergio hugged him briefly patting his cheek and telling him he did well. Luca nodded numbly and accepted hugs from his other teammates. Sliding off his gloves Luca sighed and looked at the green grass beneath his feet. He had nearly cost them this win. He had nearly cost his father, who had put so much trust to let him start, this win. 

Luca composed himself and trotted after the others into the locker room, biting his lower lip hard to prevent himself from making a sound. He should have performed better. This performence was nothing like what he had shown at Castilla. To top it all of they had nearly lost to the last of the table because of him. Luca never doubted his fathers decisions. If he had deemed him worthy to start then he was right.

His father had hugged him tightly. Had told him he had done a good job and that he was proud of him. Luca wanted to cry but he wouldn't. He had nearly embarrassed the greatest player and manager in the last two centuries. He felt incredibly ashamed and guilty. Luca had been very nervous. He had never started at the Bernabeu the atmosphere had been totally different that at the Di Stefano. 

Marcelo had patted his head after the first goal and had told him that it hadn't been his fault. Ok the first goal hadn't been his fault. And the second ?? Totally his fault. If he would have jumped sooner he would have had it. 

"Luca are you ok hermano ?? The others already left."

Luca looked up and saw Regui looking at him confused. Shaking his head Luca smiled and nodded.

"I'll go take a shower and then I will leave too Sergio. We'll see eachother tomorrow."

Sergio nodded and turned around making Luca release a breathe he had been holding. The hot water relaxed Luca's muscles slightly and he sat on the bench with a towel around his hips, checking his phone.

I am so proud of you amor. You did great. I am waiting at home for you. Te amo.

Luca sighed. Enzo had written him too. Taking his time Luca got dressed and threw his things into his bag. His father was waiting for him at his car.

"You did well Luca. Your mother and I are very proud. Enzo and your brothers came to watch the match too."

Luca nodded and Zidane hugged him. Luca wanted to cry like a small child but he had some pride left in him and swallowed it down. He was ok. This wasn't affecting him. They had still won. Benz had saved their asses yet again. Luca didn't want to think about what the press would have done to his father if they would have lost. 

"We will see eachother tomorrow hijo."

Luca smiled and sat in his car, pressing his forehead against the steeringwheel. His shoulders were shaking but he blinked away the tears and started his car. Him and Federico had watched the Castilla match earlier. Both Javi and Cristo had been incredible. Luca was so happy for his boyfriend scoring after having missed the penalty in the last game. Luca wished he had been at Burgos and not Madrid. 

Upon knocking on the door Luca was greeted with Connor who demanded his attention and was running around between his legs, wagging his tail excitedly. Cristo smiled at him and the tension left Luca's shoulders slightly. Kissing his boyfriend on the lips. It was nice and Luca's mind went blank for a split second. Only Cristo mattered in this moment. 

"We should probably go to bed amor it's pretty late."

Luca nodded and Cristo grabbed his hand and lead him upstairs to the bedroom, Connor trotting behind them. Luca hugged his boyfriend tightly and kissed his ear.

"You did a good job with that penalty I wished I would have been there with you to witness it."

"I am so proud of you for starting today. You were great."

Luca smiled but his head mocked him. They could have lost. Because of him. He would have destroyed his fathers legacy. The press would criticize him for having put his own son in the starting eleven despite having a world class goalkeeper like Keylor Navas available. A hand on his cheek snapped Luca out of his thoughts and he smiled at Cristo before both of them got ready for bed. 

Cristo and Luca are face to face. Luca avoids his boyfriends eyes who had sneaked his fingers under his t-shirt and was stroking his sides gently. Luca just wanted to sleep and forget. Cristo snuggled into his chest. Luca didn't move for a long time. He couldn't sleep. He had turned around to face the wall. He was undeserving of facing his boyfriend who had curled his arm around his waist. Luca lay there and waited until Cristos breathe evened out.

Carefully he uncurled the others arm from his waist and tiptoed out of the room but not before grabbing his hoodie from the floor. He was freezing. He sat on the kitchen isle with a cold bottle of water. The goals replaying in his mind. He should have at least stopped one. If Karim wouldn't have scored in the last minute Luca couldn't have looked his father in the eye. This had been a chance to prove himself.

Everyone looked at him full of expectations. He was a Zidane. Zizous son and even though he had choosen to become a goalkeeper all that people would ever see was his last name. Zidane. Even though Luca had choosen to use his first name on his jersey. He loved his father and he knew that he would never blame Luca for the goals. 

Luca blamed himself. He should have done better. Tried harder. He was a Zidane. Failure was not an option. Not with the whole world looking at every move they made. Zidane had left a legacy. Luca swallowed hard when he heard clattering and turned around. Connor was behind him and wagging his tail. Luca sighed and picked up the dog and went to sit on the couch. 

The hours ticked by and Luca had stared at the ceiling while petting Connor who was curled on his chest and was snoozing. Running a hand across his face Luca sighed the exhaustion from the game was too much and he just cried. He was weak so weak. Just stop crying god damnit. You are a Zidane. Sometimes Luca even doubted that Cristo was with him. Sometimes his head would tell him that Cristo was interested in him because he was exactly that.

A Zidane.

It wouls have been his fault if they had lost. His alone. He had no idea why his father had choosen to start him. Maybe he shouldn't have started with football altogether. It was in their blood. Football was the air they breathed. It was the blood that pumped through their veins

THEY were football. 

Still Luca wished in that moment that he wouldn't have been exposed to football. Wouldn't have been born to one of the best football players in the world. He wished he didn't have to carry that burden the world was so desperately trying to put on their shoulders. Enzo had failed. Now it was his turn. If he failed it would be Theos turn and then Elyaz' it was a damn circle. 

A vicious circle. Maybe they were cursed ??

"Luca ?? Amor ?? What aren't you in bed ??"

Luca turned around to Cristo rubbing his eyes and yawning. He felt so incredibly guilty for having woken him. It was late and they should sleep but Luca couldn't sleep. 

"I wanted to snuggle closer to you but your side of the bed was empty and cold. Talk to me amor. You are blaming yourself. Luca it shouldn't matter what they think."

But it did matter. He was a Zidane. It did matter what he did and how he acted and who he loved. There had been times where Luca's head had mocked him had told him to break up with Cristo because he was preventing the other from truly being free. That their relationship was just a lie and that Cristo "loved" him for his last name. That he was trying to destroy his fathers legacy. 

It had been in Luca's mind a lot. He couldn't risk his fathers legacy. Hands on his cheeks made him flich and look up.

"Amor lets go back to bed. You are tired you have to sleep."

Luca nodded defeated. They curled up in bed together again. He didn't manage to sleep. The next day in training Luca pretend everything was ok. He laughed and smiled and saved balls. Balls he hadn't been able to save when it truly mattered. Saving them in training didn't matter. 

"Luca your mother asked if you want to come for dinner. Are you ok hijo ?? You don't look good."

Luca smiled. "I'd like to come for dinner. I missed mom and the rascals."

Zizou leaned in and whispered into Luca's ear: "She also said that you should bring Cristo along."

Luca blushed and nodded. Luca asked Cristo later at home who blushed furiously. 

"You have barely talked since you arrived Luca. You are still blaming yourself. Please stop. It's not your fault."

That's when something snapped inside of Luca. Like it had done when him and Cristo hadn't been together. 

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND A THING. HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT I SHOULD STOP BLAMING MYSELF. YOU ARE NOT CARRYING THAT DAMN BURDEN I AM. YOU DON'T HAVE ZIDANE AS YOUR LAST NAME."

At this point Luca was just crying. He fell to his knees and sobbed. He sobbed like a small child.He just wanted it to stop. He wanted it to stop hurting. He should be glad that he had been born in such a family. He loved them. He truly did. But everything was getting to much. The blame and the self-doubt and the pain.

Cristo had crouched down in front of him and held him against his chest tightly. Petting Luca's hair and leaving kisses on his face.

"It's ok just breathe I am here."

Luca sobbed into Cristos chest.

"Ohh god Cris I am so sorry. Please I didn't mean to."

Cristo just held him while they were still kneeling on the floor. Taking Luca's face in his hands gently and kissing him.

"I am not worthy of the name Zidane."

Cristo kissed his forehead.

"You are not a Zidane."

Luca looked up into his boyfriends eyes.

"You are a Zidane Fernandez and if people can't call you by your real name it's their damn problem. You are a great goalkeeper. You have saved our asses so many times. Let those ignorant people talk. They don't know shit. They would shit their pants if they were in your shoes. You are strong mi amor. If they can't love you there is more for me and the team and your family to love."

Luca cried. God he didn't deserve this endless support.

"Je t'aime mon amour. Gracias."

Cristo smiled widly and helped Luca to his feet, capturing their lips in a gentle kiss. Pressing their foreheads together and losing himself in Luca's eyes and his beautiful moles.

"Te amo mi amor. I think I am going to meet the rest of your family, right ??"

Luca smiled and kissed Cristo again. It didn't matter people said. The only thing that mattered was what the people he loved thought.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luca finally reaches the breaking point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A rant fic

The news of Keylor leaving hit Luca the most. Since being promoted to the first team he had looked forward to learning from the experienced goalkeeper and now the other would leave. He could even begin to understand how much the others would suffer from that. None of them havimg said a word about it. Regui and Fede had expressed their sadness. The Uruguayan feeling even worse because Keylor had been a father figure to him. There were voices in the back of Luca's head that told him, that he was responsible for Keylor leaving. 

If he wouldn't have been promoted to the first squad then maybe Keylor would have stayed ?? Luca had asked his father about it and Zidane had simply answered that this job requiered sacrifices and that sadly Keylor would be one of those. He had tried everything possible. At the end of the day it was the players decision. Luca went to Cristo that day but his head had been full of insecurities. The press was practically slaughtering Zidane and saying that Keylor left so that the French could promote his own son.

Luca was sitting with Cristo on the couch while the other ordered them some food. Flinching when the blond shook his shoulder. Breathing out Luca smiled and nodded at Cristos question if he wanted the same. Hiding his face in his hands Luca sighed. The doubts that had clawed at his mind all those weeks ago suddenly resurfaced again. The press and the "fans" didn't help that. He was only at Castilla because of his father. He was only first choice goalkeeper because of his father. Because Zidane had pulled some strings. Luca knew it wasn't like that, it didn't mean that it hurt less. 

He would never be able to be a good goalkeeper or human being without being overshadowed by his last name or his father or his fathers legacy. 

"Luca ?? Luca ?? Amor ?? Are you ok ?? The food is getting cold."

Luca turned around, slipped his carefully crafted mask back on and smiled at Cristo. The other handing him a paper container and chop sticks while they ate in silence. Luca hadn't even been there when Castilla had qualified for the play offs. With a sigh Luca looked at the ceiling when Cristo grabbed his neck and put his head in his lap. Running a hand through Luca's hair. Neither of them spoke, Luca was enternally grateful that Cristo wasn't pushing him.

"Hey…"

Cristo looked straight into his eyes and titled his head in confusion. Luca gulped.

"Can you read to me ??"

Cristo beamed at him and bend down to get a book while Luca sighed. He didn't want to bother Cristo with that nonsense. With the insecurity and fear he had in his heart. He could deal with it on his own. Or so Luca had thought. Cristo returned with a book and placed Luca's head in his lap before starting to read. Luca only focusing on his boyfriends voice and the hand that ran through his hair. 

Luca jerked awake with a start. He was in bed and he had no idea how he had gotten there. Cristos hand had landed on his stomach but the younger on was still asleep. Carefully Luca left the room and went to sit downstairs. There were so many thoughts swirling around his head. Keylor leaving. People blaming him for that. Blaming his father. Luca knew he was an average goalkeeper. Javi or Moha should have been Castillas first choice goalkeeper not him. He wasn't as good as them. Coach had decided to start him and Luca always tried to give his everything.

Maybe it wasn't enough ?? Maybe he was not doing enough ??

People would say that he got into the first team because of his father. Luca knew they said the same about Castilla. He was first choice goalkeeper because of his name. Nothing else mattered. Usually he would ignore post and comments on social media but everything was getting too much. It was his fault Keylor left. Because he was a Zidane and his father was playing favourites. Everything was centered around him. Luca hadn't wanted that, he had just wanted to play like every other boy.

He felt honoured playing for Castilla. He loved that team. Maybe the team didn't like him and they were just pretending to like him because of his name. Maybe this relationship with Cristo was just a fake too. Maybe the other was really dating him because of his name. Luca had no idea what to believe or not believe anymore.

Maybe everything was just a lie. The play offs were right around the corner and Luca got sick just thinking about them. There was no room for mistakes. The press would destroy them. Luca knew that they would blame him. He was in the first team why would he even try getting into the second division ?? He had no drive for that since he clealry had achieved what others were working so hard for years only because the headcoach was his father. 

Luca was biting his lower lip so hard that he drew blood. Sometimes he wished he would have never been born. He had, had such thoughts from time to time. Maybe it would be better if he was dead or something...

The following days Luca didn't really manage to sleep. He barely even talked anymore. His mood had shifted so drastically like the weather would. From sunshine to rain. However Luca was a Zidane and he tried to keep his emotions in check. The last days of the saison passed by in a blur, Cristo asking him spend some time together before they had to start with preparing for their first play off game. Honestly Luca just wanted to curl up in bed but he obliged. 

"You have gotten very quiet the last few days amor. What is going on ??"

Cristo had noticed. Of course he had noticed. Maybe Luca wasn't as good in hiding it as he thought he was. If Cristo had noticed who knew who else had noticed. Luca hoped no one. He would feed Cristo a lie about not feeling well or being excites about the play offs. There was no need to worry the other. Maybe he was just asking because it was his duty as a good boyfriend who knew. 

Cristo squeezed his wrist and Luca smiled.

"I am fine amor", he lied.

They end up cuddling on the couch and watching Harry Potter together. Cristo pressing small kisses against his neck but it's like Luca can't really feel them. It's like he can't enjoy them. There is nothing to enjoy. He has the feeling that he is trapping Cristo and preventing him from truly being happy. He was not the right person for this. 

Cristo had flipped them over and had captured his lips in a soft kiss. Luca pushed him away gently, biting his lower lip and avoiding the others eyes. A hand cupped his cheek and wiped away a stray tear. Luca couldn't do this anymore. Everything was getting too much. The press and their remarks. His own doubts and fears. Luca had no intention of dragging Cristo down with him. There was only one way.

Luca pushed up the other away and got up. A confused Cristo following with his eyes. One knee still on the couch. 

"What is going on ?? I know there is something. You have been different lately. The shine in your eyes is gone amor. Por favor…"

Luca choked and squeezed his eyes shut, his whole frame was trembling. 

"I am sorry we can't do this anymore. I am sorry please. I am the problem here it's not you. I don't want to burden you anymore. I am sorry."

"Wha-"

Luca bolted for the door. It was a miracle he could even run let alone walk. 

"Luca ?? Luca. LUCA !!!"

Cristos shouts were futile. Luca was already gone and Cristo felt numb all of a sudden. His knees gave out and he landed on the couch. Tears pricking in the corner of his eyes and sliding down his cheeks slowly. He didn't understand. Had he done something wrong ?? Luca had broken up with him. Cristo didn't understand. 

As soon as Luca managed to get home in the state he was in he curled up on the floor. He had been a fool to think any of this would work. Castilla. Being promoted into the first squad. His relationship with Cristo. Most people would be like you should be thankful of being born into a wealthy and well known family. Everyone would see the positives but the never the negatives. Always being careful how one acted or talked or played. 

Luca had heard it often enough. He was being favoured because he was Zidanes son. His father couldn't come to a damn game and watch his damn son play because people would say he was there to make sure that Luca was in the line up. Like a cruel ruler or dictator. At the end of the day the coach decided who played and who didn't. Zidane had no say at Castilla. Why would he ?? He wasn't employed anymore. He was just a father watching his son. Why was it that different from every other parent ?? Because he was a big name ??

Luca wasn't looking forward to the next match. If he was honest he hoped that coach would start Javi or Moha. Luca had never once said that he was better than anyone. He should have known best not to pride himself on his fathers achievements. That's what they were his fathers achievements not Luca's. If someone just saw what the press and probably half the world saw in him was just that, then there was no more room for growth or self confidence. 

People confused self confidence with arrogance. It was true that there was a narrow line between those two it was still important to distinguish between them.

If there was something his father told him than it was to stay humble.

Luca had reached the breaking point. His mind and body were exhausted and he hadn't wanted Cristo to see him like that. He had to keep up appearances right ?? 

With a heavy heart Luca climbed the stairs and fell into bed like a wet sack of potatos. He cried like a baby. Cristo hadn't deserved that. His phone vibrated on the nightstand and Luca glanced the screen, as much as his tearstained eyes could see. Of course it was Cristo. Luca felt incredibly guilty he hsad been so egoistic in making the decision to break up with Cristo like that. 

Cristo had left him voicemails. They weren't angry. They were sad. Concerned. There was no hate and Luca couldn't stop crying. Cristo should have been mad at him. He had broken up with him for no apparent reason. The last days at training are tense. Luca couldn't focus but coach still had decided to play him on Saturday. He couldn't fuck this up. The others had fought so hard for this. They deserved to be in the second division. 

They lose.

2:1.

If Luca was honest it had been his mistakes. He apologizes to Javi because he has no idea what to do. His captain squeezed his shoulder and told him that they would win the next game. Reassured him that it wasn't his fault. The guys had patted him on the back in comfort while Luca felt numb. A hand on his shoulder made Luca flinch. Cristos warm hand on his back steered him to the lockerroom.

Luca felt like crying again. 

When all the others left Luca was still sitting on the bench. His own head mocking him. If Javi or Moha would have been in goal they wouldn't have conceeded those goals. They wouldn't have lost. Luca's shoulders shook. His own reflection mocked him. His hair had fallen into his face and Luca didn't want to look at it any longer. 

The glass shattered into pieces as Luca punched it. Tiny glass shard stuck to his knuckles. Droplets of blood were dripping on to the remaining scattered shards. Pieces of them mocking Luca again. He grabbed a shard and rolled it around in his palm before squeezing his fist shut. There was no pain. No nothing.

Luca felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. No pain. Nothing.

The bloody shard fell to the floor with a clatter and Luca watched his own blood fall on to the tiles like a waterfall. It would be easy to end it all. Easy to end all the pain and burden. Too easy. Hypnotized Luca picked up the shard again. Placing it on his wrist before he could think about it further there were noises and Luca let the shard fall immediately, hitting the showerhead to erase the traces of blood.

Maybe next time, he told himself.

Luca hadn't left the house after the game. Choosing to isolate himself. He still felt nothing. He couldn't even cry because he was sure he was out of tears. He had barely eaten or drunk anything in the last two days. A glass slipped from his grasp and shattered on the floor. Luca blinked at it. 

Maybe this time no one would disturb him. He just wanted to sleep. When he was about to pick up a shard again his phone rang. 

Cristo.

Luca sighed. The other was stubborn. It wouldn't matter in a few moments. Luca picked nonetheless. He wanted to listen to Cristos voice one last time. Tears were sliding down his cheeks as he listened to Cristo talk. He wanted to tell him he loved him so bad.

"Luca ?? Luca. Are you there ?? Please talk to me. If not to me than Javi or Enzo I don't know. Luca ?? Te amo por favor."

The only thing that Cristo heard was a thud and something in him screamed to drive to Luca. He still had the others keys. With fear in his heart Cristo sat in his car. His hands were shaking and he probably shouldn't drive. Luca's house was dark and Cristo fumbled with the keys for a moment. 

Cristo stumbled forward his heart shattering at the sight. 

"Luca ?? Luca wake up ?? Por favor wake up."

Cristo had cradled Luca's head in his lap and wrapped his hoodie around his wrists to stop the blood. He called an ambulance, it was a miracle they even understood what he said. 

"Luca… te amo. Por favor…"

Cristo had pressed his forehead against Luca's clammy one and was praying.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes a father knows best what their children need.

Cristo was sitting on the hard plastic chairs of the hospital with his head in his hands. Tears were rolling down his arms and creating a deafening noise upon hitting the floor. He had tried to contact Enzo but the older Zidane hadn't picked up. In the end he had ended up calling the Zidane household. A hand on his shoulder made him flinch and Cristo looked up with tearstained puffy red eyes. Throwing himself at Veronique who held him close and rubbed his back in comfort.

"It's going to be ok hijo", she said gently. 

Zidane was sitting next to the distraught Cristo and was squeezing his shulder in comfort. When they had heard what had happened their blood had frozen in their veins. Of course it had. Their child had been put in such a horrible situtation and hadn't been able to trust them. They had failed as parents. They should have noticed that there was something wrong with Luca. 

Cristo had gone slack against Veronique. She couldn't even begin to imagine what he had felt when he had found Luca like that. She had been the one that had picked up the phone. The poor boy sobbing and crying. All three of them waited for over three hourse while Zidane tried to contact Enzo. Elyaz and Theo didn't need to know about this. Yet. Zidane didn't want to distraught his younger sons. 

After over 4 agonizing hours the doctor greeted them. Informing them that Luca would be ok. That they had stopped the bleeding and had stitched him up. He would sleep for a while and they would see how he would do when he woke up again. He was stable for the time being.

"Only family is allowed to be let inside."

Cristo froze in his seat when a hand pushed him up and pushed him towards the direction of Luca's room. The blond looking at Zidane wide-eyed. Fresh tears were rolling down his cheeks.

"He is family. Thank you doctor."

Cristo felt his head spin and nausea hit him. He wanted to throw up at the sight. Luca was as white as the sheet. The heart monitor he was attached to beeped in a steady rhythm. There were needles stuck to both of his arms. His chest was rising and falling gently. Veronique stumbled forward and whispered words in French while caressing Luca's face. Brushing stray strands of hair out of his face and kissing his forehead. Cristo sat next to the bed. His lip quivering.

Maybe he should have called capi and the others. He didn't want to bother them. The game against Cartagena was in a few days. All of them would be too distraught to play. Cristo couldn't even care about the game or the play offs. He just wanted Luca to be ok. He shouldn't have let Luca leave like that, that day. He should have fought and noticed something had been wrong. He had noticed something was wrong but he had acted too late. It was his fault Luca was laying in that damn hospital bed.

Cristo felt numb. He really wanted to call Javi. He felt like he was interuding. Luca and him weren't even together anymore. He shouldn't be here. Luca's hand looked pale and cold. Cristo wanted to hold it. He wanted to warm it up because Luca looked like a damn corpse on that bed. Digging the heels of his hands Cristo tried to surpress the tears. He didn't succeed. This shouldn't have happened. Luca shouldn't have felt as if he couldn't talk to anyone. He shouldn't have felt alone and helpless. He shouldn't have taken such drastic measures.

Cristo understood. He understood the pain. Not on the level that Luca had felt it but he could imagine it. The thing that he was trying to grasp was why Luca hadn't talked to any of them about it. If not him then maybe Javi or Jamie or Alvaro anyone. Cristo just sat there in silence while tears were still sliding down his cheeks. He got up silently. The Zidanes had fallen asleep on the chairs. Luca's hands clasped tightly in theirs. Cristo felt like interuding. 

He would call capi.

Cristo shivered as he sat on the stairs in front of the hospital while he dialed Javis number. His captain picked up almost immediately, Cristo cried. Javi had been face timing with Fede when he had gotten the call. His heart freezing. Luca had tired to kill himself ?? The Castilla captain found Cristo shivering and crying like a leaf in front of the hospital. Gathering the distraught striker in his arms and holding him tightly. 

"What happened Cris ??"

The blond just cried. He just wanted to Luca to wake up. He wanted him to be ok. Please. He hoped that the Zidanes wouldn't blame him. 

Luca woke up on Saturday. In the afternoon. Veronique and Zidane never leaving his side. Enzo would be there on Sunday. 

Luca's eyes felt heavy as the tried to open them. He wasn't supposed to open them. Maybe he was in heaven or something. He should be dead. Why wasn't he ?? Who was punishing him to continue ?? He was tired. He couldn't do this anymore. Please. Why was he still alive ?? 

"Luca ?? Mon amour. Je t'aime."

Luca was squished into a chest gently. Someone was petting his hair. Someone was crying. Luca hadn't wanted anyone to cry for him. He had just wanted the pain to stop. The guilt and the pressure. His mothers face came into view and the heart monitor went crazy. Luca was panicking. He couldn't breathe. He had never wanted any of them to see him like this. Who had brought him to the hospital. His mother kissed his forehead and Luca breaks.

Tears rolling down his cheeks. He wanted to be alone. Please. Of course his parents didn't leave. Luca couldn't look at any of them. They must be so ashamed of him. Luca was sure. They were ashamed and Luca didn't dare to ask them. Not a single word left his mouth. Not when his father talked to him and not when his mother tried. Luca kept looking at the blanket and the bandages around his wrists. His knuckles turning white as he gripped the sheet.

"Cristo was so incredibly worried, hijo. So were we. We are so glad that you are ok."

Cristo ?? Cristo had found him ?? 

Luca started to cry again.

"Why are you not ashamed of me ?? Shouldn't you be ashamed of my actions ?? Shouldn't you blame me ??"

The heart monitor spiked up and Luca's shoulders shook as he sobbed and held onto the blanket.

Veronique turned towards Zidane. Both of them having this sadness in their eyes. Their son was concerned about them being ashamed of him. Why would they ?? They were glad that he was still alive. There was no shame. They were ashamed at themselves. They were ashamed that they hadn't done a better job of making Luca feel that there was no shame. 

Luca cried in his mothers chest like a baby when she hugged him tightly. His father joining them. 

"There is no shame hijo. We love you. We are sorry. We should have done a better job. There is someone who would like to see you if you are up for it."

Luca lifted his head from his mothers chest and looked at her with big eyes. Luca's shoulders slumped. 

Cristo got up immediately when Veronique and Zidane left the room. His eyes sparkling hopefully. Veronique squeezed his shoulder and shook her head.

"I am sorry dear he doesn't want to see you."

Cristo choked and nodded numbly before being escorted to his car. He knew they had an important game tomorrow but he didn't feel up to it. He wanted to curl up in bed and cry. Luca didn't want to see him. Which Cristo understood. Somehow. It still hurt. So much. They weren't together anymore why should he care, right ?? 

Cristo had gotten the scare of a lifetime. Luca laying there in a pool of his own blood. Pale as snow. Cristo couldn't shake it off. There was still so much fear in his heart. He just wanted Luca to be ok and if he felt better by not seeing him then Cristo would accept that. The game against Cartagena was a disaster. On Cristos part. He shouldn't have played in the state he was in. They get through. 

Somehow they manage to win and get into the semifinals. Dani and Jorge had really come through and saved their asses. Cristo was still sitting on the bench when Javi hauled him up gently. Slinging an arm around Cristos shoulder and ruffling his hair in comfort. 

"I will talk to Luca tomorrow."

Cristo looked up to his captain who had a determinated spark in his eyes and nodded gratefully. He couldn't even express his gratitude. Maybe Javi would be able to get through the french.

"We will make him, Alberto and Franchu proud. We will win this for them. We need you Cris. I will talk to him. Both of you deserve to be happy again."

"I love him capi…"

"I know hijo. I know."

As promised Javi went to the hospital first thing in the morning. Fede was still in Uruguay and Javi had barely slept while talking to the younger one on the phone. Knocking on Luca's door Javi is greeted with Zidane who nods at him. Luca had sat up and was swiping on his tablet.

"Hola Luca."

Luca looked up his eyes wide.

"Capi… good game yesterday. Why are you here… ??"

Javi went to sit next to the French. His eyes looking at the bandages for a split second before he focused on Luca's face. The other avoiding his eyes and fisting the blanket.

"How are you feeling ??"

Luca shrugged. He didn't know if he was honest. He felt kind of empty. Guilty. 

"Are you here to blame me ?? Why are you here ?? All of you should be glad I am not even playing. Javi and Moha are getting their chances. You should be glad I am laying here."

Luca expected Javi to make fun of him or laugh at him. There was nothing. Javi just squeezed his hand.

"We are glad you are ok. Everyone is very worried. They have been bugging me and asking when they can come to visit. I don't know where or why you have gotten those thoughts Luca but everyone was worried. We care about you. You are family-."

"You are not my family. You hate me. You have just pretended to like me because I am a Zidane. None of you care."

A hand on the back of his head made Luca flinch because he expected Javi to smack him but there is nothing. Luca opened his eyes slowly. 

"Whoever told you that bullshit should rot in hell. You are as much family as everyone else on this team. You know I never use my authority as captain but as captain I hope that you will never doubt yourself and us again. I will tell the team to come visit tomorrow so they can tell you themselves. We love you Luca. Cristo… he is incredibly worried. Please talk to him. Please." 

Something in Luca broke and he turned his head towards his lap. Tears falling on his his hands. 

"Why do you care so much ?? All of you should be glad I am gone..."

Javi exhaled.

"You still love Cristo and he loves you. You are both hurting and only you two can mend eachother. Let him in Luca. I know it is difficult. I don't want to tell you I know what you are going through because I don't but even a blind man can see that you still love him. I understand that you don't want him to see you like that. He has seen the worst of you allow him to heal you. Allow yourself to be healed. I am not saying it will be easy. It won't. But we are here for you. All of us. We are a family if you don't believe me then we will make sure to convince you otherwise."

It was like lighting had struck Luca and he looked at his captain, who was still squeezing his shoulder, in disbelief.

"He still loves me ??"

Javi took Luca's hand in his and squeezed it reassuringly.

"He never stopped loving you."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luca has various talks with family and friends that finally open his eyes.

As promised the team came to visit Luca on their day. Everyone except Cristo. Javi had tried to get in touch with the other but he hadn't picked up. With a sigh Javi gave up and retuned to Luca's room. Which was crowded. Fran and Alvaro were nearly choking Luca while hugging him.

"Guys relax Luca is not going anywhere."

"We were so worried about you hermanito. Please don't scare us like that again."

Luca sighed silently and nodded. He would try. As much as he could. Looking up his eyes met Javis, who was leaning against the bed, his captain shook his head. Biting on his lower lip Luca nodded defeated. Cristo hadn't come to visit him. Which wasn't surprising given that Luca had been the one to say that he didn't want to see him. 

Talking to Javi had opened his eyes and he missed Cristo. So much. He couldn't even begin to imagine how the other had felt when he had found him. A hand waving in front of his face made Luca snap out of his thoughts and he smiled at Jorge who was looking at him with a worried expression. The boys were in the semifinals. They had to focus on that. 

Luca would manage somehow. He couldn't shake off the guilt though. The guilt of having worried everyone. The guilt of giving his parents and Cristo the scare of a lifetime. He felt like he had disappointed them. There were still a lot of arms around him and Luca asked himself why the others were still in his room.

Hadn't they gotten enough of him ??

Weren't they sick of him already ??

"We are gonna win this for you Luca."

Biting the inside of his lip Luca nodded mechanically. Of course he wanted the boys to do well. However he didn't want them to feel obligated to win it for him. He didn't deserve that promotion. After the nurse shooed everyone away for having stayed above the visiting hours, Javi was the only one left.

"You haven't talked to him have you ??"

Luca's gaze remained fixed on his blanket. His hands had crumpled it and he shook his head. Javi exhaled and rubbed his forehead. Being a dad was a very difficult job sometimes. Javi wouldn't have it any other way. He would try to call Cristo again.

"It's ok if he doesn't want to see me Javi. I understand. How could he ever looked at someone like me again ?? Sorry about the selfpity. My head is exhausting sometimes."

Javi ran a hand through Luca's hair lightly.

"He will come around hijo don't worry."

Luca looked up and smiled widly at Javi. The lie in the others face was unmistakable but Javi chose not to say anything to that. Ones head could be a very scary place sometimes. 

"You know we mean it when we say we love you. You are family how could we not. Cristo will come around. It hit him the hardest obviously. If Fede would have done something like that I would be devastated too. Give him time Luca. I mean what I said he still loves you."

Luca nodded and hid his face in Javis chest as the other held him. 

His parents had come to visit him everyday. His mother telling him about Theos and Elyaz antics. The younger ones had come too. Luca had been the most afraid about Enzo. The eldest had hugged him tightly and had cried during the whole visit. Even refusing to unglue himself from his brother when the nurse had tried to get him to leave. Luca had patted his brothers hand gently and had told him to go.

"What about Cristo ??"

Luca shrugged.

"What about Cristo, Enzo ??"

His brother had sighed. Luca would have never thought that Enzo of all people would have asked about Cristo. Given that he hadn't approved of their relationship before.

"We broke up Enzo. Well I broke up with him. Before you know…"

"Oh..."

Luca just nodded. He had no idea what to say to that really. Him and Cristo weren't together anymore. Why would the other even bother to visit him. Luca himself had been the one to tell him no. Cristo had never been someone to push him. It was over. Javis words had ghosted through Luca's brain.

'He still loves you.'

When Enzo left, Luca choked. 

How could someone like Cristo even love someone like him ?? After what he had done. He was damaged goods. He was broken. Cristo deserved someone else. Not someone like Luca. The other had never said it but Luca had always had the feeling that it was a burden being with a Zidane.

Maybe it was better that way. Maybe it was better that they didn't see eachother anymore. 

There was this tiny voice in the back of Luca's head. The rational part of his brain that told him that Cristo cared about him. Cristo loved him. But who listens to the rational part of their brain anyway ??

Right, no one.

 

Luca blinked confused. He had fallen asleep and it was dark. His hand was heavy. Someone was holding it. Luca waited until his eyes had adjusted to the darkness and his breathe hitched. Cristo was slumped forward. His hand clasped tightly around Luca's. His forehead was squished in his arm while he used the beds railing to keep it from falling. 

Cristo was here ??

Luca didn't dare to move. He didn't dare to breathe. Maybe his eyes were playing tricks on him and he was dreaming ?? Still Luca didn't want to test Fate. So he fell back into his pillow and watched Cristo. God he ached to touch him. Ached to explain himself. It didn't matter how much Luca tried to convince himself that he didn't love Cristo.

The truth was he still loved him. So much it hurt. Luca's eyes got heavier with each passing second. He wanted to observe Cristo for a little while long. Everything was a dream anyway wasn't it ??

When Luca woke up again Cristo was gone.

Of course he is gone you dumbass he was never there to begin with, he scolded himself.

This realization hit Luca harder than he thought it would. Of course he missed Cristo and he had fucked it up himself. This relationship was in shambles because of him. He deserved to be alone. Alone with his thoughts. His wrists itched and Luca wanted to claw them open...

Meanwhile Javi had tried to contact Cristo. The other always directed him to voicemail. Being a good captain Javi didn't give up. He went to see Luca a few times. Sometimes with the team sometimes with Fede and sometimes by himself. On a cloudy July day Javi had stayed above the visiting hours. While exiting the hospital he halted in his tracks. Cristo had just exited his car. Despite trying to hide his face by pulling the cap into his face Javi recognized him.

"Cristo."

Cristo halted in his tracks as if he was struck by lightning. Turning around slowly to face his captain

"Capi…"

Javi sighed loudly. Being a dad was difficult sometimes. His kids were walking around themselves on eggshells. He understood it was a difficult situtation for both of them. Talking to eachother was the only way the could resolve this.

"What are you doing Cris ?? Sneaking into the hospital at night."

Cristo looked at his feet like a child that was scolded by his parents for having done something wrong.

Javi squeezed his shoulder tightly. 

"Maybe you should just talk to him."

Cristo shook his head without looking up. He couldn't. He didn't want Luca to feel uncomfortable. This was the only way he could keep and eye on Luca. Maybe he was selfish here but he missed the other. His heart was still so full of fear. Luca had made it clear that he didn't want to see him. Cristo would never push him.

"Go talk to him Cris. It's ok. You don't have to talk. Just seeing eachother will make you feel better. You can talk when both of you feel like that."

Cristo didn't look convinced. He looked like a deer caught in headlights. Unsure of what to do. Javi leaves him by patting him on the back and Cristo had no idea what to do next. With a sigh he made his way to Luca's room. The nurse had taken pity on him when he had fallen asleep in the corridor one night. 

As silent as a cat Cristo sat next to Luca's bed. The first night he couldn't even look at his boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. They weren't together anymore. Cristo was unsure if Luca would even want to be with him. He just wanted him to heal and get better if he had made him feel uncomfortable or anything Cristo would accept the others decision. 

Cristo observes Luca for hours until his eyes got heavy and he fell asleep. A nurse always woke him up before she woke Luca. Cristo was afraid of the others reaction upon seeing him. Javi had said that they should talk. It wasn't that easy. Cristo still felt shaky. He still felt nausea hit him when he thought of the blood. 

He just wanted Luca to get better.

"Cris ??"

Cristo had been half asleep when his head wiped upwards almost immediately. His eyes were wide in fear and in shock. He was terrified that Luca would tell him to leave. 

"Cris is this a dream ??"

Cristo gulped loudly. His hand was shaking as he took Luca's hand in his. Stroking the skin softly. There were thick bandages on his wrists that reallt terrified Cristo. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again. He wanted to say so many things but his brain was in a blur and no words left his mouth. Luca looked up from their hands.

"I am sorry you had to see me like this. Are you mad at me ??"

Cristo cocked his head in confusion. Why would he be mad ??

"I am not mad Luca. Ok I am mad. Mad at myself. I should have seen the signs. I should have noticed something was wrong. I have been a bad boyfriend and I am sorry about that. I am so glad you are ok."

Cristo sobbed into his hands at the last sentance. He was glad and relieved that Luca was ok. So glad. Cristo extended his hand shakily and squeezed Luca's who was still avoiding his eyes.

"Te amo Luca."

That's when Luca started to sob. He shook his head. 

"How can you love someone like me ?? Look what I have done. Look."

Luca's shoulders slumped and he avoided Cristos eyes. The other cradled the side of Luca's face gently. His thumb wiping away tears that were rolling down the frenchs cheek. 

"Look at me amor."

Luca shook his head and gripped the blanket tightly. He couldn't. 

"You don't love me. Please don't play with me and yourself. You deserve someone better. I am damaged and broken. You can't want someone like me."

Cristo pressed their foreheads together. Looking right into Luca's soul. God he had missed those moles and beautiful eyes. The thought of Luca not opening those beautiful eyes ever again made Cristo gag. He was still here. 

"There is no better. This is just a rock in your path mi amor. Let me help you get past it. You don't have to fight alone. If you want me by your side I will stay with you forever. Just say the word. If you tell me that you don't want to see me ever again I would accept it too…"

Something inside of Luca broke. He didn't want Cristo to leave. Please. He felt like a burden. He didn't want to Cristo to feel trapped or obligated to stay with him because of that incident.

"I can see in your eyes what you are thinking. A bad boyfriend would be offended. I am not. I understand. You are hurt and confused and you think you don't deserve me. You think that I want to stay with you because I feel obligated. You were just overwhelmed and it has got nothing to do with me. I understand. I don't want to push you. Take your time. I will be here waiting for you mi amor. How long it might take."

Luca reached out to Cristo like a toddler. His hands wrapping around his shoulders. His whole frame was shaking with sobs. He never wanted to let him go. Never. He didn't deserve Cristo and he knew that. In this moment he was glad that the other was with him. Comforting him in the middle of the night in a hospital. 

Cristos hand cradled his face gently and Luca carved the contact. He had missed the other so much. So much.

"Can I kiss you ??"

Luca nodded shakily. The kiss was soft and unsure. It felt like their first kiss again. Cristo nuzzled him with his nose gently.

"I don't want to be alone tonight. Please."

Cristo nodded and untied his shoes before climbing into bed and laying his head on Luca's chest. The steady heartbeat relaxed him. He felt Luca press a kiss against his forehead.

"Merci for loving me mon amour. Je t'aime."

Zizou and Veronique smiled at the scene the next morning. The boys were asleep. Cristos head was pillowed on Luca's chest. 

They were eternally grateful to Cristo for loving and not giving up on Luca.

Eternally grateful.


End file.
